Essay Block & Ash Wednesday

Warning: I basically wrote off the top of my head in this post. (Freewriting, I know these things!) and it contains teenage angst, even though I'm not really a teenager. If you are allergic to angst, the antihistamines are in the bathroom cabinet, and classic FM can be found online. Do not, under any circumstances, turn on Radio 4: our 'politicians' are still teething and having a bad week, bless... Anyway.

It's essay week, and the work is piling up. My deadline for the short essay I'm working on is Monday, and I have at least one other piece to write for Monday, as well as a novel to read for Monday afternoon, then another two essays to work on. I haven't got very far with any of this at all. 

So why am I writing this? I've been staring at my computer for a bout an hour, and frankly, I just need to write. Until you've started, you just can't continue. All of my essays have come back with comments to the effect that they improve near the end, as I realise what I'm doing and inspiration - as well as time pressure - spurs me on. Obviously this is something I need to work on, as I'd like all my essays to be this good, but to get to that point you have to write something in the first place. 

I've been working, slowly, on another post for this blog. I have bullet point notes and a full idea in my head. It's going to be a discussion of the deification of the mortal, and the human dependency on deity-figures (which sounds like an odd topic for a Christian, right?!) with a discussion on how I distinguish between my God (real - to me) and the varying false gods that capture my attention, like the Doctor, although I'm really not convinced by the plot arcs of the last series or so. 

But I've changed my mind about that post. I don't want this blog to turn into some kind of pretentious, moralising space where I post dull, self-righteous essays on my personal morality, and imply that you should follow it too. I'm thinking about where I should go with this blog, and like the essay on realism in relation to George Gissing and Matthew Beaumont that I should be working on, I'm having to re-think what I'm doing. 

I'll probably delete the draft versions of the last post, so you'll never get to see them. I'm not going to promise never to write another essay like the last post again, but I'll try not to. I'm afraid I don't always keep my resolutions; I have been kind of drunk once since my post on drinking, where I vowed never to be drunk ever again. Not dangerously drunk, not I-can't-stand-up drunk, but drunk. And I'm still not into drinking, and I have no intention of getting drunk ever again, but I still did it. I suppose what I mean is that I'm always trying to make things better, myself included, but writing self-righteous nonsense about my choices won't make me a humbler, or better person.

Wednesday this week is Ash Wednesday, and hopefully, I'll attend Mass in the Chaplaincy to be ashed, and make the repentance of sins which starts the annual journey towards Easter. I love Easter and everything about it; it takes me out of myself, briefly. On the Friday afternoon muffled bells ring, a solemnity only given for the death of a King (or Queen). Then there's the solemn wait, remembering, praying, and then at last, midnight on Saturday, and the end of the vigil. Easter, gaudy and bright, named after a pagan festival, commercialised, the day we remember Jesus rising for the dead. 

I'm not very good at Lent, so I still haven't decided how to prepare this year. I know already that if I try to give anything up, I will fail. This sounds a little negative, but will-power is not my strongest personality trait. Maybe I'll take something up, instead. Even if I accidentally miss Lent (like last year. Oops.) I like to do something for Holy Week, trying to pray more, or actually read the Bible, which I neglect too often.

Perhaps this year my resolution will be to listen more. It's to easy to get stuck in your own head, obsessed with your own voice and opinions, and forget to be there for others when they need you, and I think that maybe I've been caught in this trap recently. I know that I'm not humble, and I mean that, even though I'm confessing it here (!) and I'm conscious that in this blog I've been caught up in my own preconceptions and beliefs. I haven't helped anyone else by lecturing them on morality. From now on, I'm going to try to share more and lecture less, and be significantly less prosaic. Also, I'm going to make my posts shorter, if I can bear it...

I'm not sure how to sign this blog post off. I've been saying 'God Bless' but I'm not keen on those words - it sounds like I'm commanding God to bless you, which isn't very theologically correct! And I know that for many people reading this, those words won't mean anything, even if they comfort me. 
So perhaps this: In whatever faith you have, in your faith in your God or Gods, in humanity, in whatever keeps you strong, be confirmed this week. 

Back, for now, to the essays.

J.R.